One Year Later

I started this blog with a lot of big intentions when I was feeling really good. Then my mental health took a nose dive for the better part of 2013. It is hard to believe it has been a year since I sat up that night reading and writing and feeling like I was looking at the world with fresh eyes.  Within one month of starting the blog I crashed and crashed hard. The depression was such that my very faith was shaken and it has taken me a while to even want to work my way back.

This past year was not what I wanted or hoped it would be but there have been some surprises that I didn't see coming:
          *Eric was able to sign a contract in WI for after residency in August. This kept us from wondering the whole year where he would work and if he would have a job when the student loans came due. Wisconsin had never been on our list of places to live but it fit everything we wanted except the winters are mild in Wisconsin.
          * My job at the library has challenged me and forced me to interact with people on an almost daily basis. When the depression is bad I don't want to get out and do anything. My job forced me out of the house and into a place where I had great co-workers and had a good laugh at least once a shift.
           * I was able to serve in Primary for 2013 and work with the children at church. Every Sunday I was able to focus on the children and what they needed rather than my fragile faith. It was a calling where I needed to be at church but I didn't have to focus on me. Just being there was enough of a challenge most weeks and Primary was the perfect place for me.

I am hoping to be a bit more balanced in in 2014 but with a major move coming in the summer there are no guarantees.

"Rooms" by James L. Rubart

A few weeks ago my boss was telling me about this book she had just started and couldn't stop thinking about or put down. When you work in a world surrounded by books to find one that really makes an impression is noteworthy. After hearing her talk about the book to multiple co-workers I decided to give the book a try. I listened to the book in my daily commute and found it a great way to absorb the book.

Micah Taylor, a software excecutive, gets a letter from a great-uncle he never met who is dead. The uncle left Micah a house on the beach. As Micah explores the house the rooms keep changing forcing him to deal with issues Micah would rather leave buried. As he explores the house Micah also finds himself drawn closer to God and renews his faith in Christ. There are twists and turns I didn't expect and times when I wished the story would move a bit faster but I loved the way the book made me think about my faith and how I live it.

Even though this book had a few doctrinal points that I don't agree with I found the book to be very thought provoking and very true in regards to how to live a Christ-cntered life. This story truly shows that man cannot serve two masters.

A Broken Ship

Three weeks ago at my support group we did some art therapy. The leader told us to draw a picture that included the ocean, a rocky cliff, a light house and a boat. This was my drawing. Once we were finished Holly (the leader) told us what each thing meant.

The lighthouse: Christ and God

The Rocky cliffs: trials

The ocean: life

The Boat: me

As you can see my boat is not doing so well. This pretty much sent me into a tail spin. The last three weeks have been really bad. When I looked at my picture I just felt so helpless and hopeless. For the past five years I feel like I have tried to many times to overcome the depression but always ended up in the same place. The irony is before I drew my picture I felt like I was doing really well. In reality I was just covering the depression and pretending it wasn't there.

When I looked at my drawing I felt like I was slapped across the face and my depression came roaring to the surface. It was the lowest I had been since the Summer/Fall of 2008 before I started taking meds. This was also one of the longest times I have had where even my faith in God was shaken. When I looked at my picture I could see the light leaving the light house but it wasn't aimed at the boat. That was how I felt in my life as well. I told Eric multiple times in the past three weeks that God must want me this way since He hasn't changed it and since He does want me this way what good does praying or showing faith do. I have a feeling this is going to be a long road back to being okay, let alone great.