Hope

I think one of the hardest things about depression is hope. Depression for me goes in cycle; I call in my ferris wheel. When I am on the top top I am hopeful that this time the depression won't come back or at least stay away for a long time. Then
                                            down
                                                            I
                                                                              go.


The depression comes back. I cry. I tell myself I am not going to get hopeful. I go back up and the hope returns. Round and round and round I go. The dissapointment that comes when the depression comes back is very exhausting. If there was no hope there would be no expectations and thus no dissapointment.

On this round of depression the hope hasn't really come back. I also have been fighting it a bit as well. I almost don't want to allow myself to go back up because the pain of coming back down is a lot to bear. Whenever I think about my depression in this way I remember the movie "Bounce". In the movie Abby is left a widow after a plane crash and her friends tell her that "only the plane crashed, you have to bounce" to which Abby replies "... so that's what I've been doing all this time, bouncing... it's like crashing, except you get to do it over and over again". That is how the depression feels sometimes. I just go up and down, hope and crash, happy and sad over and over again.