Sleep

There are some people who do fine without sleep. I am not one of them. Last week I had three nights in a row where I only got about four hours of sleep each night and it wasn't consecutive hours. By Saturday night I was on the verge of a breakdown both physically and mentally. Saturday night and Sunday night I finally slept and it felt soooo good. Lack of sleep is one of the quickest ways to trigger a depressive episode for me.

That being said sleep deprivation is one of the parts of being a parent that scares me. The idea that night after night being woken up every couple of hours is almost enough to make me give up on kids. I know that sounds selfish but it is very true. I just don't know if I could be sleep deprived for years on end and not need to be admitted. I admire parents who manage and conquer this aspect of parenting.

One Year Later

I started this blog with a lot of big intentions when I was feeling really good. Then my mental health took a nose dive for the better part of 2013. It is hard to believe it has been a year since I sat up that night reading and writing and feeling like I was looking at the world with fresh eyes.  Within one month of starting the blog I crashed and crashed hard. The depression was such that my very faith was shaken and it has taken me a while to even want to work my way back.

This past year was not what I wanted or hoped it would be but there have been some surprises that I didn't see coming:
          *Eric was able to sign a contract in WI for after residency in August. This kept us from wondering the whole year where he would work and if he would have a job when the student loans came due. Wisconsin had never been on our list of places to live but it fit everything we wanted except the winters are mild in Wisconsin.
          * My job at the library has challenged me and forced me to interact with people on an almost daily basis. When the depression is bad I don't want to get out and do anything. My job forced me out of the house and into a place where I had great co-workers and had a good laugh at least once a shift.
           * I was able to serve in Primary for 2013 and work with the children at church. Every Sunday I was able to focus on the children and what they needed rather than my fragile faith. It was a calling where I needed to be at church but I didn't have to focus on me. Just being there was enough of a challenge most weeks and Primary was the perfect place for me.

I am hoping to be a bit more balanced in in 2014 but with a major move coming in the summer there are no guarantees.

Where Did 2013 Go?

2013 was a year that was eaten by depression. I had a good friend who had a baby and didn't even know she was pregnant. Church was doable because I worked with the children and that was more crowd control than worship. Any family or friends I stayed connected with was because they reached out first. I gained ten pounds.

Back in March/April when the depression hit really hard Eric got up early one morning and decorated out apartment. He found motivational quotes about overcoming depression and the importance of positive thoughts and exercise. After reading these quotes everyday for months the message started to sink in.

In May my work started a wellness program using www.sparkpeople.com. People who earn enough points earn cash prizes so I started logging on and reading articles and other things about healthy lifestyles.

After Thanksgiving Eric and I both started working out more diligently and trying to be better what we ate. At the same time I read "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramesy. All of these things lined up and I was ready to make a change.

Through December I was really good about working out almost everyday but nothing else really changed. Then I read "The Happiness Project".

I am a person who likes a plan. A few years ago when I was ready to get off of antidepressants I read "Spontaneous Happiness" by Andrew Weil. His book had a eight week plan to work towards being off meds. Once I decided I wanted to break out of my funk I needed a plan.

I received a copy of "The Happiness Project" for Christmas along with the Five Year Journal. The book was not quite what I was expecting but I enjoyed it immensely. I was thinking it would be more about how to make my plan and less about her story but I still read it in three days.

At the very end of December I finished the book and decided that I needed a change for 2014. My own happiness project was born.

My Depression Right Now

Last night at support group we talked about where we are right now in our depression. As I did my collage and my writing I realized that depression has become familiar almost to the point of being comfortable. It takes hard work to change and to want to be better. While that thought was kind of sad it was also hopeful because it gave me a feeling that the depression is more of a choice right now. I know I will still have bad days and not always do things that will help me avoid depression but I can make choices that will help me be happier and have more joy.

Walk Walk Walk

On Sunday Eric and I had the rare treat of being home together all afternoon. Normally Eric has to stay late to count tithing but because of Stake Conference we were both home by 12:45. Eric had the idea to go for a walk at a state park near our house and enjoy the leaves and the milder temperatures. It was hard for me to get out of the house but Eric who knows me so well knows that getting me out of the house is the best thing for me. We walked for about four miles which took us about an hour and half.  I am glad we went because it felt good to get some excercise in and see the pretty fall leaves. It is so hard to make myself get up and get moving but when I do I feel so much better.

Winter is Coming

I am not of a fan of daylight saving. I miss the sun in the afternoons. The other reason I am not a fan is because more darkness means more depression. I ran across this article that mentions 10 ways to help beat the winter blues and liked the simplicity of it. Some are going to be really easy to follow (no drinking and sleep more- got it). Others will be harder. I just need to follow through with all of my plans and goals that I am really good about writing down.



http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=341

Zelda Fitzgerald

Back in September Eric and I attend the Baltimore Book Expo and learned the F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife, Zelda, lived in Baltimore for awhile when she received treatment at Johns Hopkins and Shepherd Pratt for mental breakdowns.  A few weeks ago I stumbled across a new book here in the library that was a novelization of Zelda's life. Knowing her connection to Baltimore my interest was peaked and so I read it.

Wow, have we come a long way in diagnosing and treating mental disorders since the 30's and 40's. Zelda had her first breakdown in France and was institutionalized for over a  year. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia because her mind was split.  And why was her mind split? Because she wanted to do more than be her husband's doormat. Zelda was a writer and a painter and a dancer but all of this was overshadowed by her very famous husband.

Over the years until her death she would relapses and have to return to various hospitals until she was killed in a hospital fire.

When I read the book I was saddened for her and so grateful that medicine has come as far as it has. I know there is much we do not know, especially when it comes to mental illnesses. I am also grateful that the role a woman plays has changed. Now I am a very traditional woman in  a lot of ways but I still feel that a woman should be able to choose to live her life and not be told how to live her life by her husband.



http://www.amazon.com/Z-A-Novel-Zelda-Fitzgerald/dp/1250028655