Over and Out

In recent months/years blogging has become a chore and a to-do list item rather than something that I truly enjoyed doing. In the beginning it was a place to keep in touch with family and to keep a family journal. Over time I realized I wasn't blogging because there were things that I wanted recorded but not in a public space and I wasn't journaling because I felt like the time should be focused on the blog. I have debated about what to do because I still want to keep a family journal and to keep in touch with my family.  After using my blog as one more thing to beat myself up about I have decided to let it go. I won't be deleting anything that I have previously posted but for the foreseeable future I won't be posting anything new. I am on Facebook and Instagram and I am planning on posting in both places more often in 2015. Thank you for your comments and support in the past of this blog.

Kittens are good my well being

Yesterday was a rough day for me. It wasn't a really bad day and one that didn't last too long. The kittens snuggled with me the whole day. Normally they snuggle for a bit and then they play and leave me alone. Not yesterday. They literally snuggled on my lap or next to me in bed for the entire day. It helped me feel better to feel so loved. I had heard that getting pets helped with depression and yesterday I learned that for myself.

Bouncing and Bending

Last week on Wednesday I came home to a flooded home. I give a more detailed play-by-play on my other blog. Then, on Saturday we were at a movie and had to evacuate the theater because of a bomb scare.  Needless to say it has been a crazy few days. What has amazed me is how well I have handled it over all. There have been tears and a few rantings about property management but that has been the exception not the rule. I have had moments of high stress and and standing in my apartment turning in circle because I didn't know what to do but I have also laughed and been grateful.

I kept reminding myself that things could be so much worse and that I am lucky to have Eric who has handled the situation and my emotions very well. I tried to be kind to the maintenance workers, property managers and contractors who have all been walking through my home. I have tried to remember that in a few years this will be a fun story to tell at dinner parties and a memory that helps me recall the wonderful people I know who were willing to help move my stuff, lend me fans and bring me food.

There are moments when the choice to be strong or weak is laid before you and you have to choose. On Wednesday when I walked in my apartment I could choose to be strong and do what I could to save my possessions or I could have sat down and done nothing. In that moment I choose to be strong and push through the panic and the overwhelming feelings.

Pleasure vs Gratifications

Part of my Happiness Project (more on that later) was to read a self help book each month. For April I read "Authentic Happiness" by Dr. Martin Seligman. One of the main parts that stuck with me was the difference between pleasures and gratifications and how they affect our long term mood.




Pleasures are things that are felt through the senses that bring enjoyment but don't really alter your more permanent state of being. For example; hot showers, eating good food, smelling chocolate, getting a massage, watching t.v., laying in the sun. These things feel good in the moment but when they are done the emotional high is done as well.

Gratifications are things that don't always feel good in the moment but they give more long lasting emotional highs that affect mood after that activity is done. For example; reading a book, parenting, marriage, exercise, volunteer work, being with friends, cooking a meal, cleaning your house.

This idea really stuck with me because I have found that when I am feeling low it is easier to do the pleasure things but when they are over I go back to feeling down. The trick is to balance both items so there is happiness in the present and more long term.

This web page is a synopsis of the book and gives you the main idea of what the book teaches.

Also this month in the Ensign is an article about happiness that quotes Dr. Seligman.

Sleep

There are some people who do fine without sleep. I am not one of them. Last week I had three nights in a row where I only got about four hours of sleep each night and it wasn't consecutive hours. By Saturday night I was on the verge of a breakdown both physically and mentally. Saturday night and Sunday night I finally slept and it felt soooo good. Lack of sleep is one of the quickest ways to trigger a depressive episode for me.

That being said sleep deprivation is one of the parts of being a parent that scares me. The idea that night after night being woken up every couple of hours is almost enough to make me give up on kids. I know that sounds selfish but it is very true. I just don't know if I could be sleep deprived for years on end and not need to be admitted. I admire parents who manage and conquer this aspect of parenting.

One Year Later

I started this blog with a lot of big intentions when I was feeling really good. Then my mental health took a nose dive for the better part of 2013. It is hard to believe it has been a year since I sat up that night reading and writing and feeling like I was looking at the world with fresh eyes.  Within one month of starting the blog I crashed and crashed hard. The depression was such that my very faith was shaken and it has taken me a while to even want to work my way back.

This past year was not what I wanted or hoped it would be but there have been some surprises that I didn't see coming:
          *Eric was able to sign a contract in WI for after residency in August. This kept us from wondering the whole year where he would work and if he would have a job when the student loans came due. Wisconsin had never been on our list of places to live but it fit everything we wanted except the winters are mild in Wisconsin.
          * My job at the library has challenged me and forced me to interact with people on an almost daily basis. When the depression is bad I don't want to get out and do anything. My job forced me out of the house and into a place where I had great co-workers and had a good laugh at least once a shift.
           * I was able to serve in Primary for 2013 and work with the children at church. Every Sunday I was able to focus on the children and what they needed rather than my fragile faith. It was a calling where I needed to be at church but I didn't have to focus on me. Just being there was enough of a challenge most weeks and Primary was the perfect place for me.

I am hoping to be a bit more balanced in in 2014 but with a major move coming in the summer there are no guarantees.

Where Did 2013 Go?

2013 was a year that was eaten by depression. I had a good friend who had a baby and didn't even know she was pregnant. Church was doable because I worked with the children and that was more crowd control than worship. Any family or friends I stayed connected with was because they reached out first. I gained ten pounds.

Back in March/April when the depression hit really hard Eric got up early one morning and decorated out apartment. He found motivational quotes about overcoming depression and the importance of positive thoughts and exercise. After reading these quotes everyday for months the message started to sink in.

In May my work started a wellness program using www.sparkpeople.com. People who earn enough points earn cash prizes so I started logging on and reading articles and other things about healthy lifestyles.

After Thanksgiving Eric and I both started working out more diligently and trying to be better what we ate. At the same time I read "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramesy. All of these things lined up and I was ready to make a change.

Through December I was really good about working out almost everyday but nothing else really changed. Then I read "The Happiness Project".

I am a person who likes a plan. A few years ago when I was ready to get off of antidepressants I read "Spontaneous Happiness" by Andrew Weil. His book had a eight week plan to work towards being off meds. Once I decided I wanted to break out of my funk I needed a plan.

I received a copy of "The Happiness Project" for Christmas along with the Five Year Journal. The book was not quite what I was expecting but I enjoyed it immensely. I was thinking it would be more about how to make my plan and less about her story but I still read it in three days.

At the very end of December I finished the book and decided that I needed a change for 2014. My own happiness project was born.

My Depression Right Now

Last night at support group we talked about where we are right now in our depression. As I did my collage and my writing I realized that depression has become familiar almost to the point of being comfortable. It takes hard work to change and to want to be better. While that thought was kind of sad it was also hopeful because it gave me a feeling that the depression is more of a choice right now. I know I will still have bad days and not always do things that will help me avoid depression but I can make choices that will help me be happier and have more joy.

Walk Walk Walk

On Sunday Eric and I had the rare treat of being home together all afternoon. Normally Eric has to stay late to count tithing but because of Stake Conference we were both home by 12:45. Eric had the idea to go for a walk at a state park near our house and enjoy the leaves and the milder temperatures. It was hard for me to get out of the house but Eric who knows me so well knows that getting me out of the house is the best thing for me. We walked for about four miles which took us about an hour and half.  I am glad we went because it felt good to get some excercise in and see the pretty fall leaves. It is so hard to make myself get up and get moving but when I do I feel so much better.

Winter is Coming

I am not of a fan of daylight saving. I miss the sun in the afternoons. The other reason I am not a fan is because more darkness means more depression. I ran across this article that mentions 10 ways to help beat the winter blues and liked the simplicity of it. Some are going to be really easy to follow (no drinking and sleep more- got it). Others will be harder. I just need to follow through with all of my plans and goals that I am really good about writing down.



http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=341

Zelda Fitzgerald

Back in September Eric and I attend the Baltimore Book Expo and learned the F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife, Zelda, lived in Baltimore for awhile when she received treatment at Johns Hopkins and Shepherd Pratt for mental breakdowns.  A few weeks ago I stumbled across a new book here in the library that was a novelization of Zelda's life. Knowing her connection to Baltimore my interest was peaked and so I read it.

Wow, have we come a long way in diagnosing and treating mental disorders since the 30's and 40's. Zelda had her first breakdown in France and was institutionalized for over a  year. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia because her mind was split.  And why was her mind split? Because she wanted to do more than be her husband's doormat. Zelda was a writer and a painter and a dancer but all of this was overshadowed by her very famous husband.

Over the years until her death she would relapses and have to return to various hospitals until she was killed in a hospital fire.

When I read the book I was saddened for her and so grateful that medicine has come as far as it has. I know there is much we do not know, especially when it comes to mental illnesses. I am also grateful that the role a woman plays has changed. Now I am a very traditional woman in  a lot of ways but I still feel that a woman should be able to choose to live her life and not be told how to live her life by her husband.



http://www.amazon.com/Z-A-Novel-Zelda-Fitzgerald/dp/1250028655

We are all connected

 

Last night I attended the Depression Support Group that my church hosts. For the opening activity we all choose a word that described us and then spelled it out with scrabble tiles. After that we connected all of our words together (we are aware that we didn't follow the actual rules). I realized looking at the words that all of the words can describe me at some point or another.

 

One of the blessings about having group at church is is that we can talk about Christ and the Atonement. One of the other ladies started talking about how there are subtle blessings that we don't always see in out lives. One of the blessings I realized that has come due to depression is deep friendships. Almost all of my close friends in Baltimore have come through this group and the sharing that we do. While I had hoped to overcome depression and not have to deal with it anymore that wasn't the blessing God sent me right now.

Shenandoah National Park

Last Thursday I went hiking in the Shenandoah National Park. I will be honest: the hike killed me. The pain in my knee made for a long trip back to the car but the moving and being in the beautiful outdoors made it all worth it. A few leaves were starting to change and the views were gorgeous. Dana gave us a lesson in poison ivy so we stayed rash free and the highlight of the trip...we saw a bear! As we were driving out of the park a black bear ran across the road in front of our car.

We had hiked up to see a waterfall and all we saw were wet rocks; pretty but wet. Not the best time for waterfalls.

Joined the selfie club!

Ali and I enjoying the sunshine and the leaves starting the change.

I love the starkness of this tree especially compared to the lush green surrounding it.

 

I general I am not a very active person but I am amazed how much better I feel when I get up and move, not only physically but emotionally as well. The goal now is to start moving more often so then it isn't quite the battle to get moving.

I'm not perfect nor am I alone

www.uvureview.com

A few weeks ago I was looking for articles about being LDS (a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) and having depression. I found this article skimmed it and then moved on. In the mean time I kept thinking about different points from the article.

One being the concept of not being righteous enough. '“In the LDS Church it’s like, ‘I feel depressed,’ and it’s like, ‘Oh you must not be righteous, maybe you should go serve somebody and then you would be,’” Lindsay (name changed) said. She told Doty how feeling judged by others contributed to her depression. Lindsay, age 32, also said, “It’s just something we do to ourselves, that’s not coming down from the prophet, it’s not coming down from God. That’s just us comparing ourselves to each other and having that perfect standard.”'  For me it is a mixture of feeling judged and judging myself very harshly.

The next idea was how to use the Gospel to overcome depression.
"However, Doty cautioned practitioners about incorporating gospel messages into therapeutic treatment programs. She counted few women who were coping with depression by turning to scriptures, prayer or temple attendance because these strategies caused them to feel more inadequate.
“Let’s not set them up to fail by throwing all these things that, in a deep depression, actually come off as guilt producing,” Doty said. She prescribed a system of treatment that helps LDS women reach a healthy, functioning level then introduces the principles and habits of gospel living.
“Give people permission to not be perfect,” Doty concluded. She said the ability to cope with one’s imperfections precedes healing by virtue of the atonement of Jesus Christ." Just yesterday I was trying to be better and read my scriptures and my level of anxiety went way up. My thoughts kept turning "What if I can't do this everyday?" "Why don't I feel the Spirit?" "When I try to be good my depression gets worse. Am I going to have a breakdown tomorrow?" Needless to say it wasn't a very spiritual moment.


The article from which I quoted can be found at the following link.

http://timshawsamplewriting.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/lds-women-deal-with-depression/

"Rooms" by James L. Rubart

A few weeks ago my boss was telling me about this book she had just started and couldn't stop thinking about or put down. When you work in a world surrounded by books to find one that really makes an impression is noteworthy. After hearing her talk about the book to multiple co-workers I decided to give the book a try. I listened to the book in my daily commute and found it a great way to absorb the book.

Micah Taylor, a software excecutive, gets a letter from a great-uncle he never met who is dead. The uncle left Micah a house on the beach. As Micah explores the house the rooms keep changing forcing him to deal with issues Micah would rather leave buried. As he explores the house Micah also finds himself drawn closer to God and renews his faith in Christ. There are twists and turns I didn't expect and times when I wished the story would move a bit faster but I loved the way the book made me think about my faith and how I live it.

Even though this book had a few doctrinal points that I don't agree with I found the book to be very thought provoking and very true in regards to how to live a Christ-cntered life. This story truly shows that man cannot serve two masters.

Ravens

Last Thursday Eric and I went to a Raven's Preseason game. It was fun but since the Ravens lost it wasn't as fun as it could have been. I kept getting distracted by the cheerleaders. The Ravens are the only NFL team to have both a dance squad and a stunt squad. I am glad we went since we won't be able to go a regular season game.

What Happy People Do Differently

 

While I was working a cover story in Psychology Today caught my eye when I walked by the magazine display at the library. The story is titled "What Happy People Do Differently." As I read it I was intrigued by the characteristics that were studied.

The first characteristic was that happy people purposefully make themselves uncomfortable by going out of their comfort zones from time to time ON PURPOSE. Of all of the sections this was the hardest one for me to be excited about. I do not enjoy the unknown in any way shape or form.



The second characteristic was to not get caught up in the details of life. One of the main examples was that depressed people notice small and quick facial expressions and work to interpret them and thus interfering with day to day life. As I read this I thought, "oh my gosh, that is totally me." If someone is smiling at me as I am talking and then the smile goes away I take it personally and wonder what I said wrong, how to fix it, and is our friendship over all while the other person is just not smiling because their cheeks got tired.



Third, was about being a good friend and having a good friend in the good times. So much focus is given to being a friend in the hard times but happiness depends more on a friend in the good time.



The characteristic that helped the most was this one. Happy people accept and acknowledge the negative feelings that they have. There are times when they do hide them because it isn't appropriate or they don't feel comfortable with sharing at the moment but they aren't hiding the feelings from themselves. It was such a relief to have an expert remind me that I don't have to feel happy all of the time to be happy.



Last was all about balance. In my weekly support group we all laugh every time someone says balance because we have found that balance truly is a buzz word for life.  "If you want to envision a happy person's stance, imagine one foot rooted in the present with mindful appreciation of what one has—and the other foot reaching toward the future for yet-to-be-uncovered sources of meaning." I have talked about and thought about how to balance being content with what I have now but still wanting to reach for more. This is something I am still working on and there are times when one is more important to me than the other.

In the end I think this quote summed up the idea of a happy life the best:

"The good life is best construed as a matrix that includes happiness, occasional sadness, a sense of purpose, playfulness, and psychological flexibility, as well autonomy, mastery, and belonging."



All pictures and quotes from Psychology Today July 2013

 http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201306/what-happy-people-do-differently 

music

In my life I have met people who are true music lovers, Me, not as much. I enjoy music but I go days without listening to music and do just fine. That being said there are times when a song really touches my heart. Here are a few of my favorite.














 

When the feeling comes

http://understandquran.com/who-says-miracles-dont-happen-in-our-time.html

Today was Fast and Testimony meeting at church. There was a much larger crowd than usual because of a baby blessing. The baby who was blessed was delivered at 24 weeks and spent three months in the NICU. His life and his progress is a miracle. After the blessing I took the opportunity to share my testimony about the small miracles that I have seen in my life lately. All week I had been thinking about the "small" miracles that I experience and how I need to be more aware and grateful for them. Until I got to church I had forgotten that it was fast Sunday but once I remembered I knew I needed to bear my testimony today. It was a very tender experience for me and one that helped strengthen me and my faith in God.

Some of the small miracles I have noticed include getting to work on time even when I over sleep since time seems to slow down and all the lights are green, dinner being ready on time for a dinner appointment even though it never should have worked out, Eric getting a job offer this early in his third year of residency (granted that is a bigger miracle). Even today I was shown another miracle. On the Sundays when I work I normally take leftovers to warm up at church and eat there. Today the meeting ran long and I didn't have time to warm something up and eat. Luckily I had a sandwich since we had no leftovers. I ate in my car as I drove to work and got there just as my shift started.

Different Trials and choosing to be happy.

Samuel and Sara Kushnick celebrate a birthday together. Courtesy of Sara Gorfinkel

Last week I was at work and noticed someone before had left the internet browser open to a personal interest story. The title caught my eye so I started reading. The story drew me in and left me sort of breathless and soul stirred.

I was in awe as to how someone could go through so much and yet still be so optimistic. At first I envied her for being able to perservere. Then I let my self off the hook by thinking, "If I didn't have depression I could be optimistic as well." Finally I realized that no matter what the trials are there is a choice to be happy about it.