Hope

I think one of the hardest things about depression is hope. Depression for me goes in cycle; I call in my ferris wheel. When I am on the top top I am hopeful that this time the depression won't come back or at least stay away for a long time. Then
                                            down
                                                            I
                                                                              go.


The depression comes back. I cry. I tell myself I am not going to get hopeful. I go back up and the hope returns. Round and round and round I go. The dissapointment that comes when the depression comes back is very exhausting. If there was no hope there would be no expectations and thus no dissapointment.

On this round of depression the hope hasn't really come back. I also have been fighting it a bit as well. I almost don't want to allow myself to go back up because the pain of coming back down is a lot to bear. Whenever I think about my depression in this way I remember the movie "Bounce". In the movie Abby is left a widow after a plane crash and her friends tell her that "only the plane crashed, you have to bounce" to which Abby replies "... so that's what I've been doing all this time, bouncing... it's like crashing, except you get to do it over and over again". That is how the depression feels sometimes. I just go up and down, hope and crash, happy and sad over and over again.

A Broken Ship

Three weeks ago at my support group we did some art therapy. The leader told us to draw a picture that included the ocean, a rocky cliff, a light house and a boat. This was my drawing. Once we were finished Holly (the leader) told us what each thing meant.

The lighthouse: Christ and God

The Rocky cliffs: trials

The ocean: life

The Boat: me

As you can see my boat is not doing so well. This pretty much sent me into a tail spin. The last three weeks have been really bad. When I looked at my picture I just felt so helpless and hopeless. For the past five years I feel like I have tried to many times to overcome the depression but always ended up in the same place. The irony is before I drew my picture I felt like I was doing really well. In reality I was just covering the depression and pretending it wasn't there.

When I looked at my drawing I felt like I was slapped across the face and my depression came roaring to the surface. It was the lowest I had been since the Summer/Fall of 2008 before I started taking meds. This was also one of the longest times I have had where even my faith in God was shaken. When I looked at my picture I could see the light leaving the light house but it wasn't aimed at the boat. That was how I felt in my life as well. I told Eric multiple times in the past three weeks that God must want me this way since He hasn't changed it and since He does want me this way what good does praying or showing faith do. I have a feeling this is going to be a long road back to being okay, let alone great.

Currently

I know I have been MIA and I will post about why I just haven't had the emotional stability to do so. In the mean time I found this idea on a blog that I read and thought it would be fun to try.


Time: 1:21 PM
Place: Work
Eating: nibbling on chocolate I got at church for Mother's Day
Drinking: water
Watching: people walk back and forth through the return room at the library (work)
Reading: blogs
Wanting: To be at home with my hubby
Thinking: How proud I am for handling Mother's Day with only a few tears
Creating: blog post
Hoping: the library isn't very busy since the weather is FABULOUS!
Needing: to not fall asleep
Wishing: I could be outside in the sunshine
Listening: to the hand dryer in the woman's restroom (the thing is crazy loud)
Feeling: slightly sleepy and a bit bored
Wondering: what's for dinner tonight
Loving: all the compliments on my outfit

Not My Words

This video shows a little one loving her life.

Last night I went to my weekly support group at church. We talked about positive affirmations. This morning I got an email from my wonderful group leader and her words were too good to stay just in my inbox.

"The power of positive affirmations lies in the way they affect your subconscious mind. Positive affirmations are statements that create images of positive outcome in your mind, help you gain confidence and take necessary steps to achieve your goals.
I totally get that you might think this is dumb or how will this help.  I get that but I also know that if you read/say the positive affirmations each day, your brain will slowly rewire itself and you will start believing it more.  It's the idea of self fulfilling prophesy!! IT REALLY DOES WORK

Your subconscious mind accepts as true what you keep saying. It attracts corresponding events and situations into your life. So why not choose only positive statements, in order to get positive results?
Affirmations program the mind in the same way that commands and scripts program a computer.
_____________----
Affirmations are positive thoughts or statements about some outcome you wish to achieve, such as wealth, success, or health. Instead of negative self-talk, you can use positive daily affirmations to direct what your focus will be. You can conquer your past and present fears, and enjoy your present or create the future by affirmation. Affirmations redirect your values, help formulate goals, or prepare you for situations, whenever or wherever they may occur.
You can say your positive daily affirmations silently or aloud to yourself. Repetition of affirmations will also counteract negative thoughts that may stream through your mind, automatically sometimes. You may write affirmations on a card ? carried in your pocket, taped to a mirror, or placed where it is always visible to you. Repeat your positive affirmations at intervals throughout your day, to reinforce the positive belief and to maintain a positive state of mind.
______________________
Examples
I am strong and secure
I pursue my life’s purpose
I feel worthy
I feel fulfilled & joyful
I deserve to be happy
I only have positive mental pictures
Joy overflows in my life
I am becoming better everyday
I embrace positive self-esteem
I reject abuse from others
I have faith and deep belief in myself
I have an enthusiastic outlook on life
My future looks great
I have inner resources
I have the power to realize my goals
I take charge of my life
I am valuable
I stand firmly in my belief in myself
People respect me
People like me
I am a true friend
I care for people
I am confident of my capabilities, expertise, and know-how
I am interested in others
I am confident
I am a strong person
I dissolve all obstacles to having complete self-confidence
I am a success
I choose to be happy
I have faith in God and my future
I am courageous
I am lovable
I am worthy of love and friendship
I accept myself completely
I have a solid sense of self-identity
I see myself realistically and objectively
I find deep inner peace within myself as I am
I say positive things about myself to myself
I am a kind, caring and decent person
I forgive myself for all I have done
I forgive every person who has undermined my self-esteem
All false images of myself from the past are now dissolved
I love and accept all parts of myself
I am an interesting person
I love and accept all of my thoughts and feelings
I am interested in other people
All false messages about me are now dissolved in total grace
Every day I am getting better and better"