Three weeks ago at my support group we did some art therapy. The leader told us to draw a picture that included the ocean, a rocky cliff, a light house and a boat. This was my drawing. Once we were finished Holly (the leader) told us what each thing meant.
The lighthouse: Christ and God
The Rocky cliffs: trials
The ocean: life
The Boat: me
As you can see my boat is not doing so well. This pretty much sent me into a tail spin. The last three weeks have been really bad. When I looked at my picture I just felt so helpless and hopeless. For the past five years I feel like I have tried to many times to overcome the depression but always ended up in the same place. The irony is before I drew my picture I felt like I was doing really well. In reality I was just covering the depression and pretending it wasn't there.
When I looked at my drawing I felt like I was slapped across the face and my depression came roaring to the surface. It was the lowest I had been since the Summer/Fall of 2008 before I started taking meds. This was also one of the longest times I have had where even my faith in God was shaken. When I looked at my picture I could see the light leaving the light house but it wasn't aimed at the boat. That was how I felt in my life as well. I told Eric multiple times in the past three weeks that God must want me this way since He hasn't changed it and since He does want me this way what good does praying or showing faith do. I have a feeling this is going to be a long road back to being okay, let alone great.