Saturday, April 27, 2013

Choose to Do

On Thursday I received an email from a friend in Baltimore telling me about Sherwood Gardens. I had Friday off so I wanted to go. This in and of its self is a challenge because I am not very good about getting myself out of the house on my day off. In order to try and push comfort level even more I reached out and invited friends to go along. I am a fairly social person but I am not normally the one who will initiate the activity (for all of you who have been invited over for dinner it was Eric's idea, I just had to ask so he would cook).

One friend was already planning on going on Friday evening for a picnic and we decided to make it a double date with their ADORABLE toddler along for entertainment. The weather was great and the tulips were gorgeous. Eric and I were able to go out and have fun without being out too late and we socialized with other people.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Ups and Downs

When I started this blog I was on a pretty good UP and I believed I was done with my DOWNS. Last week proved me way wrong. On Wednesday I had the day off from work and I just kept feeling worse and worse the longer I sat but when I tried to get up and do something I just kept thinking about all I hadn't done.   Once Eric got home he knows enough about what is going on the get me out of the house. We went out to eat and then did a Wal-Mart run.

It is the hardest thing to feel a DOWN coming and not really be able to fight it. I am always grateful when Eric comes home but he also makes me acknowledge what is going on. When I am by myself I can get lost in my movies, T.V. and books. I would like to say that I can choose to stop sliding DOWN and only focus on the UPs but sometimes it is stronger than I am . I will admit that this DOWN was helped by PMS and this one was a doozy.

The other factors with this DOWN was my fault. I will admit that I haven't reading my scriptures, praying, working out, eating right or sleeping appropriate amounts. There are times when I feel I am strong enough to fight the depression without doing the above things but I am not. Doing those things doesn't keep the depression away all the time but it does help me fight back a little harder.

Now I need to choose to work on doing the things that help make me stronger.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Cherry Blossoms and Drive In

Last weekend Eric and I were able to go down to DC to see the Cherry Blossoms. We had never been down before and we had a great time and the weather couldn't be more perfect. Eric was already working down in DC so I drove down to meet him. I was an hour later than planned due to a three hour stop at the MVA clearing the lien on our car. Once I got to DC we ate dinner at Potbelly's and then walked and walked and walked and walked about 5 miles. The scenery was great but my hip gave out and I was struggling the last bit and on Saturday. I would highly recommend taking a chance to go down and experience the beauty. By going in the evening we avoided the crowds.

On Saturday night we went to a drive in movie here in Maryland. There is a strict no photos policy at the drive in so we don't have any of the night. We were able to see the new OZ movie and the new GI Joe movie.The prices were way better than at a normal movie theater. The weather was a little chilly so we watched the second movie in the car rather than outside.  It was great to have a fun weekend out and about. f

Monday, April 15, 2013

An on again off again obssesion

For about five years I have worked to be more all natural/organic in my home. I would love for this to be across the board in food, cleaners, personal products, etc. Needless to say this has yet to happen. I am probably the closest in cleaning products. This is mostly because I found a brand that I like, can buy in a store and doesn't cost an arm and let all while still working. The big struggle comes from feeling like I have to sacrifice quality with non-toxic.

A few weeks ago I found Jessica Alba's book "An Honest Life" and also her new online store. Her book makes it feel much more doable to go more toxic free and also offers reviews of brands other than her own so I know she isn't just pitching her product. Due to trying to be budget friendly as well I am not able to just chuck out everything and then start over but I am going to work on making better choices as I need to buy new items. Right now I need shampoo and conditioner so this is a chance to make a choice free of chemicals.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Three choices

On Tuesday night I normally go to a depression support group at my church. Last night it was cancelled and I quickly made a list of things to do that filled the evening. When I got home my kitchen was covered in ants. (This is an ongoing problem for about a week now.) I also got a text that a church member needed help moving last minute and a phone call that another church member needed a ride home from the hospital that is a bit of a drive on Wednesday mid-day. Needless to stay I was overwhelmed with what to do. Add to all this that Eric is stuck in traffic and has already agreed to go help with the emergency move.

I had a few options. One, I could sit down and cry and do nothing. I will admit that was very tempting and almost followed through with this.  Two, I could say "good luck, you are on your own" to the people who needed help and do my own thing. Things which I always promise myself I will do and never follow through with. Three, get up and go to work. In the end I went and got dinner (no way was I cooking in a kitchen with more insects than rice), picked up a map that Eric needed and then went to help the move while working out the ride situation. Eric got home (after the traffic "magically" cleared; prayers are answered) and cleaned up the ants and we went off to the move.

I am glad I went and helped with the move and was able to figure out the ride situation but I am still frustrated with the fact that once again I didn't follow through with what I promised myself I was going to do.

Monday, April 8, 2013

General Conference

This past weekend my church had it's annual General Conference. Instead of attending church there is a broadcast from Salt Lake City with sermons given by the Prophet, 12 Apostles and members from the Quorum of the Seventy. If you are curious, the entire conference can be viewed at

Conference brings out some warring emotions in me. Half of me feels spiritually fed and uplifted; the other half feels guilty for all that I am not doing. Eric and I were talking about this last night and he reminded me that there is no reason to feel guilty and that God and Christ care more about progression than getting it perfect the first time.

On Sunday Eric was gone all day so I felt a little lonely but I was quite proud of myself because I made a lot of good choices through out the day. However, at dinner time I was still feeling a bit down and overwhelmed. My mind kept battling between "You are enough" and "You will never be enough". It is exhausting.

One of the areas I really want to work on is self-motivation. If I have made a commitment to someone else I am really good about following through. If I make a commitment to myself there is about a 15% chance that I will follow through. With the depression I feel like overcoming personal shortcomings is twice has hard. When trying to describe this to Eric I decided to use an analogy he would know: X-Men. In "X-Men First Class" Mystique works to keep her appearance "normal". At one point Magneto tells her if half of her attention is on her appearance she is only half paying attention to whatever else she is doing. That is what it is like with depression sometimes. Half of my mental energy is going towards keeping the depression at bay leaving me with only half of my mental energy to do everything else.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Say With It With Me Now...

Picture from

I am not defined by my choices.

Today is a new day that I can be anything.

Yesterday's actions do not dictate today's actions.

I am more than the sum total of my actions and choices.

I am a beloved spirit daughter of God and my life has meaning, purpose and direction.