My Depression Right Now

Last night at support group we talked about where we are right now in our depression. As I did my collage and my writing I realized that depression has become familiar almost to the point of being comfortable. It takes hard work to change and to want to be better. While that thought was kind of sad it was also hopeful because it gave me a feeling that the depression is more of a choice right now. I know I will still have bad days and not always do things that will help me avoid depression but I can make choices that will help me be happier and have more joy.

Walk Walk Walk

On Sunday Eric and I had the rare treat of being home together all afternoon. Normally Eric has to stay late to count tithing but because of Stake Conference we were both home by 12:45. Eric had the idea to go for a walk at a state park near our house and enjoy the leaves and the milder temperatures. It was hard for me to get out of the house but Eric who knows me so well knows that getting me out of the house is the best thing for me. We walked for about four miles which took us about an hour and half.  I am glad we went because it felt good to get some excercise in and see the pretty fall leaves. It is so hard to make myself get up and get moving but when I do I feel so much better.

Winter is Coming

I am not of a fan of daylight saving. I miss the sun in the afternoons. The other reason I am not a fan is because more darkness means more depression. I ran across this article that mentions 10 ways to help beat the winter blues and liked the simplicity of it. Some are going to be really easy to follow (no drinking and sleep more- got it). Others will be harder. I just need to follow through with all of my plans and goals that I am really good about writing down.



http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=341

Zelda Fitzgerald

Back in September Eric and I attend the Baltimore Book Expo and learned the F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife, Zelda, lived in Baltimore for awhile when she received treatment at Johns Hopkins and Shepherd Pratt for mental breakdowns.  A few weeks ago I stumbled across a new book here in the library that was a novelization of Zelda's life. Knowing her connection to Baltimore my interest was peaked and so I read it.

Wow, have we come a long way in diagnosing and treating mental disorders since the 30's and 40's. Zelda had her first breakdown in France and was institutionalized for over a  year. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia because her mind was split.  And why was her mind split? Because she wanted to do more than be her husband's doormat. Zelda was a writer and a painter and a dancer but all of this was overshadowed by her very famous husband.

Over the years until her death she would relapses and have to return to various hospitals until she was killed in a hospital fire.

When I read the book I was saddened for her and so grateful that medicine has come as far as it has. I know there is much we do not know, especially when it comes to mental illnesses. I am also grateful that the role a woman plays has changed. Now I am a very traditional woman in  a lot of ways but I still feel that a woman should be able to choose to live her life and not be told how to live her life by her husband.



http://www.amazon.com/Z-A-Novel-Zelda-Fitzgerald/dp/1250028655

We are all connected

 

Last night I attended the Depression Support Group that my church hosts. For the opening activity we all choose a word that described us and then spelled it out with scrabble tiles. After that we connected all of our words together (we are aware that we didn't follow the actual rules). I realized looking at the words that all of the words can describe me at some point or another.

 

One of the blessings about having group at church is is that we can talk about Christ and the Atonement. One of the other ladies started talking about how there are subtle blessings that we don't always see in out lives. One of the blessings I realized that has come due to depression is deep friendships. Almost all of my close friends in Baltimore have come through this group and the sharing that we do. While I had hoped to overcome depression and not have to deal with it anymore that wasn't the blessing God sent me right now.

Shenandoah National Park

Last Thursday I went hiking in the Shenandoah National Park. I will be honest: the hike killed me. The pain in my knee made for a long trip back to the car but the moving and being in the beautiful outdoors made it all worth it. A few leaves were starting to change and the views were gorgeous. Dana gave us a lesson in poison ivy so we stayed rash free and the highlight of the trip...we saw a bear! As we were driving out of the park a black bear ran across the road in front of our car.

We had hiked up to see a waterfall and all we saw were wet rocks; pretty but wet. Not the best time for waterfalls.

Joined the selfie club!

Ali and I enjoying the sunshine and the leaves starting the change.

I love the starkness of this tree especially compared to the lush green surrounding it.

 

I general I am not a very active person but I am amazed how much better I feel when I get up and move, not only physically but emotionally as well. The goal now is to start moving more often so then it isn't quite the battle to get moving.

I'm not perfect nor am I alone

www.uvureview.com

A few weeks ago I was looking for articles about being LDS (a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) and having depression. I found this article skimmed it and then moved on. In the mean time I kept thinking about different points from the article.

One being the concept of not being righteous enough. '“In the LDS Church it’s like, ‘I feel depressed,’ and it’s like, ‘Oh you must not be righteous, maybe you should go serve somebody and then you would be,’” Lindsay (name changed) said. She told Doty how feeling judged by others contributed to her depression. Lindsay, age 32, also said, “It’s just something we do to ourselves, that’s not coming down from the prophet, it’s not coming down from God. That’s just us comparing ourselves to each other and having that perfect standard.”'  For me it is a mixture of feeling judged and judging myself very harshly.

The next idea was how to use the Gospel to overcome depression.
"However, Doty cautioned practitioners about incorporating gospel messages into therapeutic treatment programs. She counted few women who were coping with depression by turning to scriptures, prayer or temple attendance because these strategies caused them to feel more inadequate.
“Let’s not set them up to fail by throwing all these things that, in a deep depression, actually come off as guilt producing,” Doty said. She prescribed a system of treatment that helps LDS women reach a healthy, functioning level then introduces the principles and habits of gospel living.
“Give people permission to not be perfect,” Doty concluded. She said the ability to cope with one’s imperfections precedes healing by virtue of the atonement of Jesus Christ." Just yesterday I was trying to be better and read my scriptures and my level of anxiety went way up. My thoughts kept turning "What if I can't do this everyday?" "Why don't I feel the Spirit?" "When I try to be good my depression gets worse. Am I going to have a breakdown tomorrow?" Needless to say it wasn't a very spiritual moment.


The article from which I quoted can be found at the following link.

http://timshawsamplewriting.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/lds-women-deal-with-depression/

"Rooms" by James L. Rubart

A few weeks ago my boss was telling me about this book she had just started and couldn't stop thinking about or put down. When you work in a world surrounded by books to find one that really makes an impression is noteworthy. After hearing her talk about the book to multiple co-workers I decided to give the book a try. I listened to the book in my daily commute and found it a great way to absorb the book.

Micah Taylor, a software excecutive, gets a letter from a great-uncle he never met who is dead. The uncle left Micah a house on the beach. As Micah explores the house the rooms keep changing forcing him to deal with issues Micah would rather leave buried. As he explores the house Micah also finds himself drawn closer to God and renews his faith in Christ. There are twists and turns I didn't expect and times when I wished the story would move a bit faster but I loved the way the book made me think about my faith and how I live it.

Even though this book had a few doctrinal points that I don't agree with I found the book to be very thought provoking and very true in regards to how to live a Christ-cntered life. This story truly shows that man cannot serve two masters.

Ravens

Last Thursday Eric and I went to a Raven's Preseason game. It was fun but since the Ravens lost it wasn't as fun as it could have been. I kept getting distracted by the cheerleaders. The Ravens are the only NFL team to have both a dance squad and a stunt squad. I am glad we went since we won't be able to go a regular season game.

What Happy People Do Differently

 

While I was working a cover story in Psychology Today caught my eye when I walked by the magazine display at the library. The story is titled "What Happy People Do Differently." As I read it I was intrigued by the characteristics that were studied.

The first characteristic was that happy people purposefully make themselves uncomfortable by going out of their comfort zones from time to time ON PURPOSE. Of all of the sections this was the hardest one for me to be excited about. I do not enjoy the unknown in any way shape or form.



The second characteristic was to not get caught up in the details of life. One of the main examples was that depressed people notice small and quick facial expressions and work to interpret them and thus interfering with day to day life. As I read this I thought, "oh my gosh, that is totally me." If someone is smiling at me as I am talking and then the smile goes away I take it personally and wonder what I said wrong, how to fix it, and is our friendship over all while the other person is just not smiling because their cheeks got tired.



Third, was about being a good friend and having a good friend in the good times. So much focus is given to being a friend in the hard times but happiness depends more on a friend in the good time.



The characteristic that helped the most was this one. Happy people accept and acknowledge the negative feelings that they have. There are times when they do hide them because it isn't appropriate or they don't feel comfortable with sharing at the moment but they aren't hiding the feelings from themselves. It was such a relief to have an expert remind me that I don't have to feel happy all of the time to be happy.



Last was all about balance. In my weekly support group we all laugh every time someone says balance because we have found that balance truly is a buzz word for life.  "If you want to envision a happy person's stance, imagine one foot rooted in the present with mindful appreciation of what one has—and the other foot reaching toward the future for yet-to-be-uncovered sources of meaning." I have talked about and thought about how to balance being content with what I have now but still wanting to reach for more. This is something I am still working on and there are times when one is more important to me than the other.

In the end I think this quote summed up the idea of a happy life the best:

"The good life is best construed as a matrix that includes happiness, occasional sadness, a sense of purpose, playfulness, and psychological flexibility, as well autonomy, mastery, and belonging."



All pictures and quotes from Psychology Today July 2013

 http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201306/what-happy-people-do-differently 

music

In my life I have met people who are true music lovers, Me, not as much. I enjoy music but I go days without listening to music and do just fine. That being said there are times when a song really touches my heart. Here are a few of my favorite.














 

When the feeling comes

http://understandquran.com/who-says-miracles-dont-happen-in-our-time.html

Today was Fast and Testimony meeting at church. There was a much larger crowd than usual because of a baby blessing. The baby who was blessed was delivered at 24 weeks and spent three months in the NICU. His life and his progress is a miracle. After the blessing I took the opportunity to share my testimony about the small miracles that I have seen in my life lately. All week I had been thinking about the "small" miracles that I experience and how I need to be more aware and grateful for them. Until I got to church I had forgotten that it was fast Sunday but once I remembered I knew I needed to bear my testimony today. It was a very tender experience for me and one that helped strengthen me and my faith in God.

Some of the small miracles I have noticed include getting to work on time even when I over sleep since time seems to slow down and all the lights are green, dinner being ready on time for a dinner appointment even though it never should have worked out, Eric getting a job offer this early in his third year of residency (granted that is a bigger miracle). Even today I was shown another miracle. On the Sundays when I work I normally take leftovers to warm up at church and eat there. Today the meeting ran long and I didn't have time to warm something up and eat. Luckily I had a sandwich since we had no leftovers. I ate in my car as I drove to work and got there just as my shift started.

Different Trials and choosing to be happy.

Samuel and Sara Kushnick celebrate a birthday together. Courtesy of Sara Gorfinkel

Last week I was at work and noticed someone before had left the internet browser open to a personal interest story. The title caught my eye so I started reading. The story drew me in and left me sort of breathless and soul stirred.

I was in awe as to how someone could go through so much and yet still be so optimistic. At first I envied her for being able to perservere. Then I let my self off the hook by thinking, "If I didn't have depression I could be optimistic as well." Finally I realized that no matter what the trials are there is a choice to be happy about it.

Don't Rock the Boat

www.wikipaintings.org

The month of June was a little more stable for me. Even with going home to Iowa, which caused a minor homesickness break down, June was pretty good. I am still not back to doing everything I know I should or even want to because it scares me. I was explaining to Eric that right now I am floating but stable in a tiny little row boat. I know if I put the oars in and start paddling I will make more progress and go where I need to go. But I am scared that in the process of getting my oars ready and starting to move that I will rock the boat and start to sink again. It isn't the best way to think but that was the only way I could really explain it.

Eric and I have a really big decision to make about a job in the next six to eight weeks and I know I need to get back to reading scriptures and praying so I will be able to be in tune to what the Spirit tells us about the job.

It is time to start rowing.

Changes Part 2

Last month on my husbands 31st birthday I wrote about all of the changes that had happened in the last year. Today is my 31st birthday I am thinking about the changes I need to make.

When I lived in Iowa my stake (a group of congregations in a geographical area) did a special Sunday night meeting about depression. One of the speakers came and spoke about his experience dealing with depression and also having a leadership position in the church, a large family, and demanding job. He told us that when things got nitty-gritty he focused on six things; three spiritual and three more physical/temporal.

Saving Six:
1) pray daily
2) scripture study
3) Attend church meetings and go to the temple
4) Eat a balanced diet that also includes enough water
5) Sleep appropriate amounts
6) Workout daily

My goal the next year is to focus on these six things when things get nitty-gritty and also to help prevent things from going down hill.

Homesickness

Over the last year the desire to live near my family has grown intensified. Eric and I were able to visit my family in June but on the last day it was really hard for me to get ready to leave. Eric and I had a long talk about the situation because we both have worries about our future. Due to Eric's career we can't gurantee that we will live near my family when he is done with residency next year.

Eric is worried that I will never be happy if we end up living away from my family and that I will resent him for taking me away. He is also worried that he will might take a job that won't really provide for us or be good for his career just to get me near my family.

I am worried that even if we are near my family I won't be happy.

There are a lot of fears that are there and some are manifesting because we are getting closer and closer to making a decision about where we will settle when Eric is done in less than a year.

Changes Part 1

thoughtsoutoftheblue.blogspot.com

Today is my husband's 31st birthday. In a month I will be following him and turning 31 as well. Even though I still have a month to go I have started reflecting on my last year. A lot has changed since I turned 30.

*A new job
*Three different callings (assignments) at church
*Stopped taking medication for depression
*Added a second car to the family
*Started attending a weekly support group for depression at my church
*Made great new friends

These things have been a factor in either an up swing or a down swing in regards to my depression.

My old job as a nanny was really hard because I was too isolated. The other factor was that I loved the children so much that it became very difficult to not be the mom and only be the nanny. There weren't huge differences in parenting styles but small ones here and there. In the end when I was leaving things got rough for a variety of reasons; some my fault, some not my fault but it shook me up just the same. One of the hardest parts about leaving is that I have not seen the children since.

The different callings at church hasn't been too bad other than my current calling doesn't really allow for a lot of personal spiritual development at church. My focus is on if we have teachers and who is where and when do they need to be there.

When I originally started taking medication it was supposed to be for a small amount of time so I could learn some coping strategies and then move on. In the end I was on medication for four years. I choose to go off of medication for a lot of reasons and I don't regret doing so. It was hard for me to always have to remember to take my pills, take them with me when I traveled, check before I took anything else to see if there would be an adverse reaction to mixing medications etc etc. Since going off the medication I have been wishy washy on doing things that are good for me.

Adding a second car has only been a good thing. Even money wise it hasn't been too much on an adjustment because we paid off my car shortly after purchasing Eric's car. Eric has had to commute to DC for the last 5 months and not having to take him to the train station or pick him up has allowed life to go much smoother for all involved.

When the group at my church was started I was asked specifically to attend. I would have gone anyway but the special invitation made me feel all the more welcome. Through this group I have made a few really great friends. I will admit there have been nights when the group might not have been the most helpful. But because of  the relationships that I have gained from the group that has made the not as great nights worth it. There is a great balance between talking and hanging out as girlfriends and then really learning about and working on depression. I love that I can go and know I am not alone in my battle with depression and also talk about treating depression in the context of my religious faith.

All of these have been really big changes that affected me and now I need to find the courage to make changes that will affect me in positive ways as I work to pull myself out of the slump I have been in for the past month.

Hope

I think one of the hardest things about depression is hope. Depression for me goes in cycle; I call in my ferris wheel. When I am on the top top I am hopeful that this time the depression won't come back or at least stay away for a long time. Then
                                            down
                                                            I
                                                                              go.


The depression comes back. I cry. I tell myself I am not going to get hopeful. I go back up and the hope returns. Round and round and round I go. The dissapointment that comes when the depression comes back is very exhausting. If there was no hope there would be no expectations and thus no dissapointment.

On this round of depression the hope hasn't really come back. I also have been fighting it a bit as well. I almost don't want to allow myself to go back up because the pain of coming back down is a lot to bear. Whenever I think about my depression in this way I remember the movie "Bounce". In the movie Abby is left a widow after a plane crash and her friends tell her that "only the plane crashed, you have to bounce" to which Abby replies "... so that's what I've been doing all this time, bouncing... it's like crashing, except you get to do it over and over again". That is how the depression feels sometimes. I just go up and down, hope and crash, happy and sad over and over again.

A Broken Ship

Three weeks ago at my support group we did some art therapy. The leader told us to draw a picture that included the ocean, a rocky cliff, a light house and a boat. This was my drawing. Once we were finished Holly (the leader) told us what each thing meant.

The lighthouse: Christ and God

The Rocky cliffs: trials

The ocean: life

The Boat: me

As you can see my boat is not doing so well. This pretty much sent me into a tail spin. The last three weeks have been really bad. When I looked at my picture I just felt so helpless and hopeless. For the past five years I feel like I have tried to many times to overcome the depression but always ended up in the same place. The irony is before I drew my picture I felt like I was doing really well. In reality I was just covering the depression and pretending it wasn't there.

When I looked at my drawing I felt like I was slapped across the face and my depression came roaring to the surface. It was the lowest I had been since the Summer/Fall of 2008 before I started taking meds. This was also one of the longest times I have had where even my faith in God was shaken. When I looked at my picture I could see the light leaving the light house but it wasn't aimed at the boat. That was how I felt in my life as well. I told Eric multiple times in the past three weeks that God must want me this way since He hasn't changed it and since He does want me this way what good does praying or showing faith do. I have a feeling this is going to be a long road back to being okay, let alone great.

Currently

I know I have been MIA and I will post about why I just haven't had the emotional stability to do so. In the mean time I found this idea on a blog that I read and thought it would be fun to try.


Time: 1:21 PM
Place: Work
Eating: nibbling on chocolate I got at church for Mother's Day
Drinking: water
Watching: people walk back and forth through the return room at the library (work)
Reading: blogs
Wanting: To be at home with my hubby
Thinking: How proud I am for handling Mother's Day with only a few tears
Creating: blog post
Hoping: the library isn't very busy since the weather is FABULOUS!
Needing: to not fall asleep
Wishing: I could be outside in the sunshine
Listening: to the hand dryer in the woman's restroom (the thing is crazy loud)
Feeling: slightly sleepy and a bit bored
Wondering: what's for dinner tonight
Loving: all the compliments on my outfit

Not My Words

This video shows a little one loving her life.

Last night I went to my weekly support group at church. We talked about positive affirmations. This morning I got an email from my wonderful group leader and her words were too good to stay just in my inbox.

"The power of positive affirmations lies in the way they affect your subconscious mind. Positive affirmations are statements that create images of positive outcome in your mind, help you gain confidence and take necessary steps to achieve your goals.
I totally get that you might think this is dumb or how will this help.  I get that but I also know that if you read/say the positive affirmations each day, your brain will slowly rewire itself and you will start believing it more.  It's the idea of self fulfilling prophesy!! IT REALLY DOES WORK

Your subconscious mind accepts as true what you keep saying. It attracts corresponding events and situations into your life. So why not choose only positive statements, in order to get positive results?
Affirmations program the mind in the same way that commands and scripts program a computer.
_____________----
Affirmations are positive thoughts or statements about some outcome you wish to achieve, such as wealth, success, or health. Instead of negative self-talk, you can use positive daily affirmations to direct what your focus will be. You can conquer your past and present fears, and enjoy your present or create the future by affirmation. Affirmations redirect your values, help formulate goals, or prepare you for situations, whenever or wherever they may occur.
You can say your positive daily affirmations silently or aloud to yourself. Repetition of affirmations will also counteract negative thoughts that may stream through your mind, automatically sometimes. You may write affirmations on a card ? carried in your pocket, taped to a mirror, or placed where it is always visible to you. Repeat your positive affirmations at intervals throughout your day, to reinforce the positive belief and to maintain a positive state of mind.
______________________
Examples
I am strong and secure
I pursue my life’s purpose
I feel worthy
I feel fulfilled & joyful
I deserve to be happy
I only have positive mental pictures
Joy overflows in my life
I am becoming better everyday
I embrace positive self-esteem
I reject abuse from others
I have faith and deep belief in myself
I have an enthusiastic outlook on life
My future looks great
I have inner resources
I have the power to realize my goals
I take charge of my life
I am valuable
I stand firmly in my belief in myself
People respect me
People like me
I am a true friend
I care for people
I am confident of my capabilities, expertise, and know-how
I am interested in others
I am confident
I am a strong person
I dissolve all obstacles to having complete self-confidence
I am a success
I choose to be happy
I have faith in God and my future
I am courageous
I am lovable
I am worthy of love and friendship
I accept myself completely
I have a solid sense of self-identity
I see myself realistically and objectively
I find deep inner peace within myself as I am
I say positive things about myself to myself
I am a kind, caring and decent person
I forgive myself for all I have done
I forgive every person who has undermined my self-esteem
All false images of myself from the past are now dissolved
I love and accept all parts of myself
I am an interesting person
I love and accept all of my thoughts and feelings
I am interested in other people
All false messages about me are now dissolved in total grace
Every day I am getting better and better"

Choose to Do

On Thursday I received an email from a friend in Baltimore telling me about Sherwood Gardens. I had Friday off so I wanted to go. This in and of its self is a challenge because I am not very good about getting myself out of the house on my day off. In order to try and push comfort level even more I reached out and invited friends to go along. I am a fairly social person but I am not normally the one who will initiate the activity (for all of you who have been invited over for dinner it was Eric's idea, I just had to ask so he would cook).

One friend was already planning on going on Friday evening for a picnic and we decided to make it a double date with their ADORABLE toddler along for entertainment. The weather was great and the tulips were gorgeous. Eric and I were able to go out and have fun without being out too late and we socialized with other people.

The Ups and Downs

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Depression_connections_in_the_brain_5.jpg

When I started this blog I was on a pretty good UP and I believed I was done with my DOWNS. Last week proved me way wrong. On Wednesday I had the day off from work and I just kept feeling worse and worse the longer I sat but when I tried to get up and do something I just kept thinking about all I hadn't done.   Once Eric got home he knows enough about what is going on the get me out of the house. We went out to eat and then did a Wal-Mart run.

It is the hardest thing to feel a DOWN coming and not really be able to fight it. I am always grateful when Eric comes home but he also makes me acknowledge what is going on. When I am by myself I can get lost in my movies, T.V. and books. I would like to say that I can choose to stop sliding DOWN and only focus on the UPs but sometimes it is stronger than I am . I will admit that this DOWN was helped by PMS and this one was a doozy.

The other factors with this DOWN was my fault. I will admit that I haven't reading my scriptures, praying, working out, eating right or sleeping appropriate amounts. There are times when I feel I am strong enough to fight the depression without doing the above things but I am not. Doing those things doesn't keep the depression away all the time but it does help me fight back a little harder.

Now I need to choose to work on doing the things that help make me stronger.

Cherry Blossoms and Drive In

Last weekend Eric and I were able to go down to DC to see the Cherry Blossoms. We had never been down before and we had a great time and the weather couldn't be more perfect. Eric was already working down in DC so I drove down to meet him. I was an hour later than planned due to a three hour stop at the MVA clearing the lien on our car. Once I got to DC we ate dinner at Potbelly's and then walked and walked and walked and walked about 5 miles. The scenery was great but my hip gave out and I was struggling the last bit and on Saturday. I would highly recommend taking a chance to go down and experience the beauty. By going in the evening we avoided the crowds.

On Saturday night we went to a drive in movie here in Maryland. There is a strict no photos policy at the drive in so we don't have any of the night. We were able to see the new OZ movie and the new GI Joe movie.The prices were way better than at a normal movie theater. The weather was a little chilly so we watched the second movie in the car rather than outside.  It was great to have a fun weekend out and about. f

An on again off again obssesion

For about five years I have worked to be more all natural/organic in my home. I would love for this to be across the board in food, cleaners, personal products, etc. Needless to say this has yet to happen. I am probably the closest in cleaning products. This is mostly because I found a brand that I like, can buy in a store and doesn't cost an arm and let all while still working. The big struggle comes from feeling like I have to sacrifice quality with non-toxic.

A few weeks ago I found Jessica Alba's book "An Honest Life" and also her new online store. Her book makes it feel much more doable to go more toxic free and also offers reviews of brands other than her own so I know she isn't just pitching her product. Due to trying to be budget friendly as well I am not able to just chuck out everything and then start over but I am going to work on making better choices as I need to buy new items. Right now I need shampoo and conditioner so this is a chance to make a choice free of chemicals.

Three choices

On Tuesday night I normally go to a depression support group at my church. Last night it was cancelled and I quickly made a list of things to do that filled the evening. When I got home my kitchen was covered in ants. (This is an ongoing problem for about a week now.) I also got a text that a church member needed help moving last minute and a phone call that another church member needed a ride home from the hospital that is a bit of a drive on Wednesday mid-day. Needless to stay I was overwhelmed with what to do. Add to all this that Eric is stuck in traffic and has already agreed to go help with the emergency move.

I had a few options. One, I could sit down and cry and do nothing. I will admit that was very tempting and almost followed through with this.  Two, I could say "good luck, you are on your own" to the people who needed help and do my own thing. Things which I always promise myself I will do and never follow through with. Three, get up and go to work. In the end I went and got dinner (no way was I cooking in a kitchen with more insects than rice), picked up a map that Eric needed and then went to help the move while working out the ride situation. Eric got home (after the traffic "magically" cleared; prayers are answered) and cleaned up the ants and we went off to the move.

I am glad I went and helped with the move and was able to figure out the ride situation but I am still frustrated with the fact that once again I didn't follow through with what I promised myself I was going to do.

General Conference

This past weekend my church had it's annual General Conference. Instead of attending church there is a broadcast from Salt Lake City with sermons given by the Prophet, 12 Apostles and members from the Quorum of the Seventy. If you are curious, the entire conference can be viewed at www.lds.org.

Conference brings out some warring emotions in me. Half of me feels spiritually fed and uplifted; the other half feels guilty for all that I am not doing. Eric and I were talking about this last night and he reminded me that there is no reason to feel guilty and that God and Christ care more about progression than getting it perfect the first time.

On Sunday Eric was gone all day so I felt a little lonely but I was quite proud of myself because I made a lot of good choices through out the day. However, at dinner time I was still feeling a bit down and overwhelmed. My mind kept battling between "You are enough" and "You will never be enough". It is exhausting.

One of the areas I really want to work on is self-motivation. If I have made a commitment to someone else I am really good about following through. If I make a commitment to myself there is about a 15% chance that I will follow through. With the depression I feel like overcoming personal shortcomings is twice has hard. When trying to describe this to Eric I decided to use an analogy he would know: X-Men. In "X-Men First Class" Mystique works to keep her appearance "normal". At one point Magneto tells her if half of her attention is on her appearance she is only half paying attention to whatever else she is doing. That is what it is like with depression sometimes. Half of my mental energy is going towards keeping the depression at bay leaving me with only half of my mental energy to do everything else.

Say With It With Me Now...

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I am not defined by my choices.

Today is a new day that I can be anything.

Yesterday's actions do not dictate today's actions.

I am more than the sum total of my actions and choices.

I am a beloved spirit daughter of God and my life has meaning, purpose and direction.