One Year Later

I started this blog with a lot of big intentions when I was feeling really good. Then my mental health took a nose dive for the better part of 2013. It is hard to believe it has been a year since I sat up that night reading and writing and feeling like I was looking at the world with fresh eyes.  Within one month of starting the blog I crashed and crashed hard. The depression was such that my very faith was shaken and it has taken me a while to even want to work my way back.

This past year was not what I wanted or hoped it would be but there have been some surprises that I didn't see coming:
          *Eric was able to sign a contract in WI for after residency in August. This kept us from wondering the whole year where he would work and if he would have a job when the student loans came due. Wisconsin had never been on our list of places to live but it fit everything we wanted except the winters are mild in Wisconsin.
          * My job at the library has challenged me and forced me to interact with people on an almost daily basis. When the depression is bad I don't want to get out and do anything. My job forced me out of the house and into a place where I had great co-workers and had a good laugh at least once a shift.
           * I was able to serve in Primary for 2013 and work with the children at church. Every Sunday I was able to focus on the children and what they needed rather than my fragile faith. It was a calling where I needed to be at church but I didn't have to focus on me. Just being there was enough of a challenge most weeks and Primary was the perfect place for me.

I am hoping to be a bit more balanced in in 2014 but with a major move coming in the summer there are no guarantees.

Don't Rock the Boat

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The month of June was a little more stable for me. Even with going home to Iowa, which caused a minor homesickness break down, June was pretty good. I am still not back to doing everything I know I should or even want to because it scares me. I was explaining to Eric that right now I am floating but stable in a tiny little row boat. I know if I put the oars in and start paddling I will make more progress and go where I need to go. But I am scared that in the process of getting my oars ready and starting to move that I will rock the boat and start to sink again. It isn't the best way to think but that was the only way I could really explain it.

Eric and I have a really big decision to make about a job in the next six to eight weeks and I know I need to get back to reading scriptures and praying so I will be able to be in tune to what the Spirit tells us about the job.

It is time to start rowing.

Changes Part 2

Last month on my husbands 31st birthday I wrote about all of the changes that had happened in the last year. Today is my 31st birthday I am thinking about the changes I need to make.

When I lived in Iowa my stake (a group of congregations in a geographical area) did a special Sunday night meeting about depression. One of the speakers came and spoke about his experience dealing with depression and also having a leadership position in the church, a large family, and demanding job. He told us that when things got nitty-gritty he focused on six things; three spiritual and three more physical/temporal.

Saving Six:
1) pray daily
2) scripture study
3) Attend church meetings and go to the temple
4) Eat a balanced diet that also includes enough water
5) Sleep appropriate amounts
6) Workout daily

My goal the next year is to focus on these six things when things get nitty-gritty and also to help prevent things from going down hill.

Homesickness

Over the last year the desire to live near my family has grown intensified. Eric and I were able to visit my family in June but on the last day it was really hard for me to get ready to leave. Eric and I had a long talk about the situation because we both have worries about our future. Due to Eric's career we can't gurantee that we will live near my family when he is done with residency next year.

Eric is worried that I will never be happy if we end up living away from my family and that I will resent him for taking me away. He is also worried that he will might take a job that won't really provide for us or be good for his career just to get me near my family.

I am worried that even if we are near my family I won't be happy.

There are a lot of fears that are there and some are manifesting because we are getting closer and closer to making a decision about where we will settle when Eric is done in less than a year.

Changes Part 1

thoughtsoutoftheblue.blogspot.com

Today is my husband's 31st birthday. In a month I will be following him and turning 31 as well. Even though I still have a month to go I have started reflecting on my last year. A lot has changed since I turned 30.

*A new job
*Three different callings (assignments) at church
*Stopped taking medication for depression
*Added a second car to the family
*Started attending a weekly support group for depression at my church
*Made great new friends

These things have been a factor in either an up swing or a down swing in regards to my depression.

My old job as a nanny was really hard because I was too isolated. The other factor was that I loved the children so much that it became very difficult to not be the mom and only be the nanny. There weren't huge differences in parenting styles but small ones here and there. In the end when I was leaving things got rough for a variety of reasons; some my fault, some not my fault but it shook me up just the same. One of the hardest parts about leaving is that I have not seen the children since.

The different callings at church hasn't been too bad other than my current calling doesn't really allow for a lot of personal spiritual development at church. My focus is on if we have teachers and who is where and when do they need to be there.

When I originally started taking medication it was supposed to be for a small amount of time so I could learn some coping strategies and then move on. In the end I was on medication for four years. I choose to go off of medication for a lot of reasons and I don't regret doing so. It was hard for me to always have to remember to take my pills, take them with me when I traveled, check before I took anything else to see if there would be an adverse reaction to mixing medications etc etc. Since going off the medication I have been wishy washy on doing things that are good for me.

Adding a second car has only been a good thing. Even money wise it hasn't been too much on an adjustment because we paid off my car shortly after purchasing Eric's car. Eric has had to commute to DC for the last 5 months and not having to take him to the train station or pick him up has allowed life to go much smoother for all involved.

When the group at my church was started I was asked specifically to attend. I would have gone anyway but the special invitation made me feel all the more welcome. Through this group I have made a few really great friends. I will admit there have been nights when the group might not have been the most helpful. But because of  the relationships that I have gained from the group that has made the not as great nights worth it. There is a great balance between talking and hanging out as girlfriends and then really learning about and working on depression. I love that I can go and know I am not alone in my battle with depression and also talk about treating depression in the context of my religious faith.

All of these have been really big changes that affected me and now I need to find the courage to make changes that will affect me in positive ways as I work to pull myself out of the slump I have been in for the past month.