How I arrived here

For thirty years I have lived with the concept that I am not able to be happy because of my depression or because I am waiting for a change in my life that will fix all of my problems creating happiness. I have lived through multiple changes, all of which I thought would make my magically happy; none of them did. One of the big changes that I thought would make me happy was marriage. I am happily married.However, in my marriage I have committed a great wrong towards my husband. I put the sole responsibility for my happiness on his shoulders  Depending on another person for happiness is not a formula for success. For the past five years my husband has carried the responsibility of making me happy. That is a heavy weight to bear for anyone and I am very grateful that my dear sweet husband was willing to do so for me until I was ready to take back my own happiness and joy.

 I have known for many months now that some deeper change needed to be made; more than using time wisely, reading scriptures and praying daily , more than all of the outward things that need to be done. I needed to choose to be happy and to be more positive. Due to depression this can be more of a struggle for me than for others. After counseling and medication and an ongoing support group I am in a place emotionally and mentally where I can work to make changes. Working on changes also means making mistakes. When the depression has been at its darkest mistakes would not have been tolerated.

 In the past year I have come to terms with the fact that depression mixed with infertility are my trials that are meant to bring me closer to the woman I am supposed to be. There will still be days when the depression will rear its ugly head  but I am ready finally to stop being a victim to depression and to fight back even is that means falling down and scraping my knees sometimes. 

Like everyone, I have small trials that come up in day to day life but depression and the infertility are what I call my Big Two. Both are trials that I can not run away from. In the past five years I have moved over ten times and the Big Two followed me around the country. These are trials that I must use to become a person more in tune with God's will and His purpose for me. As I am accepting these trials as blessings and growing opportunities rather than punishments or mistakes I am growing as a person and feeling more joy coming into my life.

The purpose of this blog is to document my road as I learn to choose happiness and joy and learn to stop waiting for my life change or even start.