Tuesday, March 12, 2013

How I arrived here

For thirty years I have lived with the concept that I am not able to be happy because of my depression or because I am waiting for a change in my life that will fix all of my problems creating happiness. I have lived through multiple changes, all of which I thought would make my magically happy; none of them did. One of the big changes that I thought would make me happy was marriage. I am happily married.However, in my marriage I have committed a great wrong towards my husband. I put the sole responsibility for my happiness on his shoulders  Depending on another person for happiness is not a formula for success. For the past five years my husband has carried the responsibility of making me happy. That is a heavy weight to bear for anyone and I am very grateful that my dear sweet husband was willing to do so for me until I was ready to take back my own happiness and joy.

 I have known for many months now that some deeper change needed to be made; more than using time wisely, reading scriptures and praying daily , more than all of the outward things that need to be done. I needed to choose to be happy and to be more positive. Due to depression this can be more of a struggle for me than for others. After counseling and medication and an ongoing support group I am in a place emotionally and mentally where I can work to make changes. Working on changes also means making mistakes. When the depression has been at its darkest mistakes would not have been tolerated.

 In the past year I have come to terms with the fact that depression mixed with infertility are my trials that are meant to bring me closer to the woman I am supposed to be. There will still be days when the depression will rear its ugly head  but I am ready finally to stop being a victim to depression and to fight back even is that means falling down and scraping my knees sometimes. 

Like everyone, I have small trials that come up in day to day life but depression and the infertility are what I call my Big Two. Both are trials that I can not run away from. In the past five years I have moved over ten times and the Big Two followed me around the country. These are trials that I must use to become a person more in tune with God's will and His purpose for me. As I am accepting these trials as blessings and growing opportunities rather than punishments or mistakes I am growing as a person and feeling more joy coming into my life.

The purpose of this blog is to document my road as I learn to choose happiness and joy and learn to stop waiting for my life change or even start.


  1. yay! So excited for you :) I can't wait to follow your new blog :) :) :)

  2. For a long long time, I didn't know that how I felt wasn't normal...that everyone didn't just want to die most of the time. I didn't know that having no energy to do anything, no motivation to move etc. wasn't normal. I also didn't realize that I never set long term goals for myself because I didn't think I'd live long enough to see them come to fruition. Depression has a stolen a lot of my life, and is this cloud of fear that sort of constantly hangs over me. If I'm having a bad day, I don't know if it's depression caused by hormones, food, exhaustion...what. I just know that I feel like crap, and that crap just keeps adding to the constant anxiety causing issues that surround us just living.

    I know what you're going through...with both the depression and the infertility. The worst is that you are always wondering how you would handle being a parent if you don't feel like you can get your own stuff together. It's a horrible circle of self doubt.

    I love you, and I'm proud of you for taking this step. It's hard to admit you have a problem, and even harder to admit it to the world. We're both so lucky to have amazing husbands that are our rocks, and see us through the good and the bad. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I'm looking forward to seeing how your blog grows and changes as you grow, and heal. It's time for me to find a therapist and start working with a professional. It's been too long.