What Happy People Do Differently

 

While I was working a cover story in Psychology Today caught my eye when I walked by the magazine display at the library. The story is titled "What Happy People Do Differently." As I read it I was intrigued by the characteristics that were studied.

The first characteristic was that happy people purposefully make themselves uncomfortable by going out of their comfort zones from time to time ON PURPOSE. Of all of the sections this was the hardest one for me to be excited about. I do not enjoy the unknown in any way shape or form.



The second characteristic was to not get caught up in the details of life. One of the main examples was that depressed people notice small and quick facial expressions and work to interpret them and thus interfering with day to day life. As I read this I thought, "oh my gosh, that is totally me." If someone is smiling at me as I am talking and then the smile goes away I take it personally and wonder what I said wrong, how to fix it, and is our friendship over all while the other person is just not smiling because their cheeks got tired.



Third, was about being a good friend and having a good friend in the good times. So much focus is given to being a friend in the hard times but happiness depends more on a friend in the good time.



The characteristic that helped the most was this one. Happy people accept and acknowledge the negative feelings that they have. There are times when they do hide them because it isn't appropriate or they don't feel comfortable with sharing at the moment but they aren't hiding the feelings from themselves. It was such a relief to have an expert remind me that I don't have to feel happy all of the time to be happy.



Last was all about balance. In my weekly support group we all laugh every time someone says balance because we have found that balance truly is a buzz word for life.  "If you want to envision a happy person's stance, imagine one foot rooted in the present with mindful appreciation of what one has—and the other foot reaching toward the future for yet-to-be-uncovered sources of meaning." I have talked about and thought about how to balance being content with what I have now but still wanting to reach for more. This is something I am still working on and there are times when one is more important to me than the other.

In the end I think this quote summed up the idea of a happy life the best:

"The good life is best construed as a matrix that includes happiness, occasional sadness, a sense of purpose, playfulness, and psychological flexibility, as well autonomy, mastery, and belonging."



All pictures and quotes from Psychology Today July 2013

 http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201306/what-happy-people-do-differently 

One of those really good days

Even though it is almost four in the morning and I am sitting here with cramps my Sunday was a really good day. Eric had to go to DC to see a patient but he makes the effort to wake up early so he can go and be back in time to go to church together and then have an uninterrupted afternoon. I woke up right on time and was getting ready and it was a good hair day and a good face day and a good outfit day. I love it when all three combine on the same day. While I was eating breakfast I read the First Presidency message from the April Ensign. President Erying had a great idea to keep thoughts focused during the Sacrament. Eric got home in time to head to church and we were on time!! On the way to church "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" came on Pandora. I have yet to hear a version of that song that I am not a huge fan of. Then in Sacrament meeting we sang "How Great Thou Art", "How Firm a Foundation", and "Oh My Father". In general I am not a big music person but today the music was speaking to my soul. I had to stop singing multiple times because I was getting chocked up. The rest of the day continued in that fashion- a lot of peace and contentment.

The end of last week was a little hard due to the craziness of PMS which can trigger some pretty gloomy days for me so to have such a rejuvenating Sabbath was a wonderful blessing and a great way to start the week.

Hard Wired

One of the areas that has been a struggle for me is the idea of needing another person to be happy. In the past week I have noticed how we are hard wired to feel this way. As I have listened to love songs on the radio and thought about all of the romantic comedies that are released monthly it is almost impossible to not feel that we need another person to be happy. This isn't a new idea. One of the "greatest" love stories is "Romeo and Juliet". Talk about the epitome of needing the other person the be happy. How many movies are dependent on the girl being saved (with a few role reversals)? Training my brain and my emotional status to not be dependent on Eric or a perfect relationship is tricky when all of society blasts the opposite message at you. I am grateful that I have a wonderful husband who wants me to be happy but even more importantly wants me to be happy independent of anyone else.

Now how to balance seeing some fun movies and listening to main stream radio without buying into the idea that without Eric, the white fence, 2.5 kids and a dog?

How I arrived here

For thirty years I have lived with the concept that I am not able to be happy because of my depression or because I am waiting for a change in my life that will fix all of my problems creating happiness. I have lived through multiple changes, all of which I thought would make my magically happy; none of them did. One of the big changes that I thought would make me happy was marriage. I am happily married.However, in my marriage I have committed a great wrong towards my husband. I put the sole responsibility for my happiness on his shoulders  Depending on another person for happiness is not a formula for success. For the past five years my husband has carried the responsibility of making me happy. That is a heavy weight to bear for anyone and I am very grateful that my dear sweet husband was willing to do so for me until I was ready to take back my own happiness and joy.

 I have known for many months now that some deeper change needed to be made; more than using time wisely, reading scriptures and praying daily , more than all of the outward things that need to be done. I needed to choose to be happy and to be more positive. Due to depression this can be more of a struggle for me than for others. After counseling and medication and an ongoing support group I am in a place emotionally and mentally where I can work to make changes. Working on changes also means making mistakes. When the depression has been at its darkest mistakes would not have been tolerated.

 In the past year I have come to terms with the fact that depression mixed with infertility are my trials that are meant to bring me closer to the woman I am supposed to be. There will still be days when the depression will rear its ugly head  but I am ready finally to stop being a victim to depression and to fight back even is that means falling down and scraping my knees sometimes. 

Like everyone, I have small trials that come up in day to day life but depression and the infertility are what I call my Big Two. Both are trials that I can not run away from. In the past five years I have moved over ten times and the Big Two followed me around the country. These are trials that I must use to become a person more in tune with God's will and His purpose for me. As I am accepting these trials as blessings and growing opportunities rather than punishments or mistakes I am growing as a person and feeling more joy coming into my life.

The purpose of this blog is to document my road as I learn to choose happiness and joy and learn to stop waiting for my life change or even start.