Three choices

On Tuesday night I normally go to a depression support group at my church. Last night it was cancelled and I quickly made a list of things to do that filled the evening. When I got home my kitchen was covered in ants. (This is an ongoing problem for about a week now.) I also got a text that a church member needed help moving last minute and a phone call that another church member needed a ride home from the hospital that is a bit of a drive on Wednesday mid-day. Needless to stay I was overwhelmed with what to do. Add to all this that Eric is stuck in traffic and has already agreed to go help with the emergency move.

I had a few options. One, I could sit down and cry and do nothing. I will admit that was very tempting and almost followed through with this.  Two, I could say "good luck, you are on your own" to the people who needed help and do my own thing. Things which I always promise myself I will do and never follow through with. Three, get up and go to work. In the end I went and got dinner (no way was I cooking in a kitchen with more insects than rice), picked up a map that Eric needed and then went to help the move while working out the ride situation. Eric got home (after the traffic "magically" cleared; prayers are answered) and cleaned up the ants and we went off to the move.

I am glad I went and helped with the move and was able to figure out the ride situation but I am still frustrated with the fact that once again I didn't follow through with what I promised myself I was going to do.

Say With It With Me Now...

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I am not defined by my choices.

Today is a new day that I can be anything.

Yesterday's actions do not dictate today's actions.

I am more than the sum total of my actions and choices.

I am a beloved spirit daughter of God and my life has meaning, purpose and direction.

Still a work in progress

Last night I attend a weekly depression support group that my church hosts for women. While we were we talking the topic switched to dealing with grief. While the group was still uplifting it was more somber than it had been in the past couple of months. When I got home I was met by dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, and wet sheets I forgot to put in the dryer. Eric had been working all evening trying to catch up on logging patients since his co-resident had been sick for two days. I felt myself sinking into a "woe is me, my life isn't perfect" mentality. While I was getting ready for bed I felt myself getting more and more black on the inside; anger over nothing, frustration with Eric over made up things, self loathing for not living up to my idea of perfect, etc, etc. As soon as my face was washed I was in my bed on my knees praying my heart out.

In the past praying was not the direction I would go in these situations. I would take it out on Eric, cry and let the blackness envelope me like a cloud. When I found that the desire to pray was the first thing I wanted to do I felt HOPE. Hope that maybe this change will truly be permanent and not just a phase. Hope that I am finally understanding what I have been taught and also taught to others for twenty years (I wasn't baptized and didn't attend church regularly until I was ten). Hope that I can be a better person and a better wife to Eric and a better mother to my future children and the children I work with at church every week.

Change Brings Awareness

As I was working to be more positive I noticed the number of negative things that went through my mind. I had to really work today on changing my way of thinking. Instead of judging people and being upset because they didn't do what I wanted I tried to focus on seeing things from their point of view. Taking the time to really notice the thoughts I had in my mind forced to really look at what I think about and how I think about it during the day. In all honesty I have been a very pessimistic person.The focus on being positive is going to take a lot of brain power but I know it will be worth the effort.