Don't Rock the Boat

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The month of June was a little more stable for me. Even with going home to Iowa, which caused a minor homesickness break down, June was pretty good. I am still not back to doing everything I know I should or even want to because it scares me. I was explaining to Eric that right now I am floating but stable in a tiny little row boat. I know if I put the oars in and start paddling I will make more progress and go where I need to go. But I am scared that in the process of getting my oars ready and starting to move that I will rock the boat and start to sink again. It isn't the best way to think but that was the only way I could really explain it.

Eric and I have a really big decision to make about a job in the next six to eight weeks and I know I need to get back to reading scriptures and praying so I will be able to be in tune to what the Spirit tells us about the job.

It is time to start rowing.

Changes Part 2

Last month on my husbands 31st birthday I wrote about all of the changes that had happened in the last year. Today is my 31st birthday I am thinking about the changes I need to make.

When I lived in Iowa my stake (a group of congregations in a geographical area) did a special Sunday night meeting about depression. One of the speakers came and spoke about his experience dealing with depression and also having a leadership position in the church, a large family, and demanding job. He told us that when things got nitty-gritty he focused on six things; three spiritual and three more physical/temporal.

Saving Six:
1) pray daily
2) scripture study
3) Attend church meetings and go to the temple
4) Eat a balanced diet that also includes enough water
5) Sleep appropriate amounts
6) Workout daily

My goal the next year is to focus on these six things when things get nitty-gritty and also to help prevent things from going down hill.

Homesickness

Over the last year the desire to live near my family has grown intensified. Eric and I were able to visit my family in June but on the last day it was really hard for me to get ready to leave. Eric and I had a long talk about the situation because we both have worries about our future. Due to Eric's career we can't gurantee that we will live near my family when he is done with residency next year.

Eric is worried that I will never be happy if we end up living away from my family and that I will resent him for taking me away. He is also worried that he will might take a job that won't really provide for us or be good for his career just to get me near my family.

I am worried that even if we are near my family I won't be happy.

There are a lot of fears that are there and some are manifesting because we are getting closer and closer to making a decision about where we will settle when Eric is done in less than a year.

Changes Part 1

thoughtsoutoftheblue.blogspot.com

Today is my husband's 31st birthday. In a month I will be following him and turning 31 as well. Even though I still have a month to go I have started reflecting on my last year. A lot has changed since I turned 30.

*A new job
*Three different callings (assignments) at church
*Stopped taking medication for depression
*Added a second car to the family
*Started attending a weekly support group for depression at my church
*Made great new friends

These things have been a factor in either an up swing or a down swing in regards to my depression.

My old job as a nanny was really hard because I was too isolated. The other factor was that I loved the children so much that it became very difficult to not be the mom and only be the nanny. There weren't huge differences in parenting styles but small ones here and there. In the end when I was leaving things got rough for a variety of reasons; some my fault, some not my fault but it shook me up just the same. One of the hardest parts about leaving is that I have not seen the children since.

The different callings at church hasn't been too bad other than my current calling doesn't really allow for a lot of personal spiritual development at church. My focus is on if we have teachers and who is where and when do they need to be there.

When I originally started taking medication it was supposed to be for a small amount of time so I could learn some coping strategies and then move on. In the end I was on medication for four years. I choose to go off of medication for a lot of reasons and I don't regret doing so. It was hard for me to always have to remember to take my pills, take them with me when I traveled, check before I took anything else to see if there would be an adverse reaction to mixing medications etc etc. Since going off the medication I have been wishy washy on doing things that are good for me.

Adding a second car has only been a good thing. Even money wise it hasn't been too much on an adjustment because we paid off my car shortly after purchasing Eric's car. Eric has had to commute to DC for the last 5 months and not having to take him to the train station or pick him up has allowed life to go much smoother for all involved.

When the group at my church was started I was asked specifically to attend. I would have gone anyway but the special invitation made me feel all the more welcome. Through this group I have made a few really great friends. I will admit there have been nights when the group might not have been the most helpful. But because of  the relationships that I have gained from the group that has made the not as great nights worth it. There is a great balance between talking and hanging out as girlfriends and then really learning about and working on depression. I love that I can go and know I am not alone in my battle with depression and also talk about treating depression in the context of my religious faith.

All of these have been really big changes that affected me and now I need to find the courage to make changes that will affect me in positive ways as I work to pull myself out of the slump I have been in for the past month.

Hope

I think one of the hardest things about depression is hope. Depression for me goes in cycle; I call in my ferris wheel. When I am on the top top I am hopeful that this time the depression won't come back or at least stay away for a long time. Then
                                            down
                                                            I
                                                                              go.


The depression comes back. I cry. I tell myself I am not going to get hopeful. I go back up and the hope returns. Round and round and round I go. The dissapointment that comes when the depression comes back is very exhausting. If there was no hope there would be no expectations and thus no dissapointment.

On this round of depression the hope hasn't really come back. I also have been fighting it a bit as well. I almost don't want to allow myself to go back up because the pain of coming back down is a lot to bear. Whenever I think about my depression in this way I remember the movie "Bounce". In the movie Abby is left a widow after a plane crash and her friends tell her that "only the plane crashed, you have to bounce" to which Abby replies "... so that's what I've been doing all this time, bouncing... it's like crashing, except you get to do it over and over again". That is how the depression feels sometimes. I just go up and down, hope and crash, happy and sad over and over again.

A Broken Ship

Three weeks ago at my support group we did some art therapy. The leader told us to draw a picture that included the ocean, a rocky cliff, a light house and a boat. This was my drawing. Once we were finished Holly (the leader) told us what each thing meant.

The lighthouse: Christ and God

The Rocky cliffs: trials

The ocean: life

The Boat: me

As you can see my boat is not doing so well. This pretty much sent me into a tail spin. The last three weeks have been really bad. When I looked at my picture I just felt so helpless and hopeless. For the past five years I feel like I have tried to many times to overcome the depression but always ended up in the same place. The irony is before I drew my picture I felt like I was doing really well. In reality I was just covering the depression and pretending it wasn't there.

When I looked at my drawing I felt like I was slapped across the face and my depression came roaring to the surface. It was the lowest I had been since the Summer/Fall of 2008 before I started taking meds. This was also one of the longest times I have had where even my faith in God was shaken. When I looked at my picture I could see the light leaving the light house but it wasn't aimed at the boat. That was how I felt in my life as well. I told Eric multiple times in the past three weeks that God must want me this way since He hasn't changed it and since He does want me this way what good does praying or showing faith do. I have a feeling this is going to be a long road back to being okay, let alone great.

Currently

I know I have been MIA and I will post about why I just haven't had the emotional stability to do so. In the mean time I found this idea on a blog that I read and thought it would be fun to try.


Time: 1:21 PM
Place: Work
Eating: nibbling on chocolate I got at church for Mother's Day
Drinking: water
Watching: people walk back and forth through the return room at the library (work)
Reading: blogs
Wanting: To be at home with my hubby
Thinking: How proud I am for handling Mother's Day with only a few tears
Creating: blog post
Hoping: the library isn't very busy since the weather is FABULOUS!
Needing: to not fall asleep
Wishing: I could be outside in the sunshine
Listening: to the hand dryer in the woman's restroom (the thing is crazy loud)
Feeling: slightly sleepy and a bit bored
Wondering: what's for dinner tonight
Loving: all the compliments on my outfit