I have known for many months now that some deeper change needed to be made; more than using time wisely, reading scriptures and praying daily , more than all of the outward things that need to be done. I needed to choose to be happy and to be more positive. Due to depression this can be more of a struggle for me than for others. After counseling and medication and an ongoing support group I am in a place emotionally and mentally where I can work to make changes. Working on changes also means making mistakes. When the depression has been at its darkest mistakes would not have been tolerated.
In the past year I have come to terms with the fact that depression mixed with infertility are my trials that are meant to bring me closer to the woman I am supposed to be. There will still be days when the depression will rear its ugly head but I am ready finally to stop being a victim to depression and to fight back even is that means falling down and scraping my knees sometimes.
Like everyone, I have small trials that come up in day to day life but depression and the infertility are what I call my Big Two. Both are trials that I can not run away from. In the past five years I have moved over ten times and the Big Two followed me around the country. These are trials that I must use to become a person more in tune with God's will and His purpose for me. As I am accepting these trials as blessings and growing opportunities rather than punishments or mistakes I am growing as a person and feeling more joy coming into my life.
The purpose of this blog is to document my road as I learn to choose happiness and joy and learn to stop waiting for my life change or even start.
yay! So excited for you :) I can't wait to follow your new blog :) :) :)
ReplyDeleteFor a long long time, I didn't know that how I felt wasn't normal...that everyone didn't just want to die most of the time. I didn't know that having no energy to do anything, no motivation to move etc. wasn't normal. I also didn't realize that I never set long term goals for myself because I didn't think I'd live long enough to see them come to fruition. Depression has a stolen a lot of my life, and is this cloud of fear that sort of constantly hangs over me. If I'm having a bad day, I don't know if it's depression caused by hormones, food, exhaustion...what. I just know that I feel like crap, and that crap just keeps adding to the constant anxiety causing issues that surround us just living.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're going through...with both the depression and the infertility. The worst is that you are always wondering how you would handle being a parent if you don't feel like you can get your own stuff together. It's a horrible circle of self doubt.
I love you, and I'm proud of you for taking this step. It's hard to admit you have a problem, and even harder to admit it to the world. We're both so lucky to have amazing husbands that are our rocks, and see us through the good and the bad. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I'm looking forward to seeing how your blog grows and changes as you grow, and heal. It's time for me to find a therapist and start working with a professional. It's been too long.